I wish ....

I wish he'd call ....
i wish he'd send me a message saying good night.. something.. anything.. anything but ask me to wake him up at 5 in the morning that is .. lol..

i feel like things are going back to how they were when i got back from G and before i went to back to M for the new year... i.e talking to him like once in 3 weeks.. it was okie then.. as in i survived that ... cos i was feeling detached... but i dont think i can take it this time...!!!

im scared he's taken me seriously and has found someone else to go out with him over the long weekend..
im scared he's got scared cos i said 'i love u ' even though i followed it up with a ' i didn't mean it ' ....
i'm scared i'm gonna lose him and not gonna b able to handle it ...though most of the time i think i can ... but i don't want to reach the point where i'll have to decide if i can or can't....

i think i'm just scared cos i don't have a back up ... lol ....
i think i'm gonna call him tomorrow and then what will be will be ....

It's called an ALARM>>>!!!

I am sooooooo livid...!!!

and as u can c i'm also back to writing without punctuations or any regard for full forms (not that i was ever a disciplied writer but still...) .. cos i am A N G R Y...!!!

Goldy's just done wat he shudnt have .. as it is im so angry and disappointed with his behaviour.. and confused tooo.. and he topped it by sending me a message that he was going to sleep and wanted me to wake him up at 5 tomorrow morning... !!...for fuck sake..!!.. this fucking duty he wants me to do is usually done by that thing we all call an alarm...!!! and he does this with an absolutely official sounding message tat one mite send their PA or someone and ....andddddd........ he does this after not returning my calls for over 5 days ...after knowing that it is important that we talk cos of the probablity of me coming down to M to see him or us going out over the long weekend....!! hmph!!!
so i send him a polite message sayin i will try cos hes not the lightest sleeper i know and wish him all the best for tomorrow with a good nite in tow and again i get only a thanks in return.. no good nite .. no somethign else.. anything else... but a silly thank u .. again very official PA variety... HMPH!!!!

I am soo livid my face is burning.. and it's not cos i just had it lasered this morning.. the heat from that was almost gone when Goldy had to go and drop this message bomb on me...!!

I have a good mind of not waking him up and let him not attend this stupid marathon he wants to run .. but i dont wanna show him im angry .. !!! plus it's not like i'm his only hope...i'm sure he's made other arrangements to get up as well ...!!! aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!
as it is i haven't slept well over this last week tryign to figure out ways and excuses to go to M to see him and ways to spend the long weekend with him .. all this despite him behavin like the jerk that he is ... and he goes and asks me to do this.. knowing fully well i have trouble going back to sleep once i've been woken up...!!

i am sooo gonna make him pay for this... soooo gonna make him pay ... how .. when .. where ... i dunno .. but im sooooo gonna make him ....!!!

aaah ..!! the very thought just brought a smile to my face...!! ... but i'm still very very angry ...!!!